I’m your bath mat. I lay on your floor day in and day out. I collect the water that drips off of you when you get out of the shower. I know your secrets. These are just a few:
- You never pumice your feet. Your feet have so much dead skin flaking off of them, they look like you’ve been dancing around in flour. Exfoliate already!
- You have eight mostly-empty body wash containers around your tub. When the sun shines through the bathroom window, those half-inches of blue, green, pink and yellow body wash light up like a rainbow. You smell different every day. But all these plastic bottles sure do clutter up the bathroom.
- You watch episodes of The Golden Girls on your phone while you poo.
- You use too much plastic. Where are all those half-empty body wash bottles going to end up when they are completely empty? In the ocean somewhere? Bar soap and shampoo bars can help you cut way down on the plastic that you use.
- I know where all of your missing hair ties are, but I am not going to help you find them.
- Your jeans gossip about you when you leave them on the bathroom floor. They say you use more detergent than you need to and that you put the dryer settings on too high.
- The soap you use has very little moisturizer in it and a whole lot of cheap filler which is bad for the environment. Try using a soap that has 25 times the moisturizing power and none of the cheap filler. That way, you can clear out some of this plastic—and clear your conscience, too.
- You enjoy long soaks in the tub. But really, who doesn’t?
- Want to give me less ammunition? Stop using bath products with palm oil in them. It's bad for the environment, bad for the animals of the rainforest, and bad for the people forced to harvest it. Switch to palm free and I promise, the rest of your secrets are safe with me.